Kill them with Kindness
Literally. They’re dying.
I named my gun ‘Kindness’.
In seriousness, going back through season 11 of drag race ignites feelings in all directions. While several friends of mine had long since reached the point of fatigue with drag race, at the time the season aired I was well into my own phase of viewership. I love the show, and don’t think I’ll stop watching anytime soon, but season 11 promised hour-long episodes.
I was thrilled to see Vanessa Vanjie Mateo return, because I want her to read my eulogy, but beyond that I was immediately drawn to Silky Nutmeg Ganache, Soju, and Yvie Oddly. I’d met both Silky and Soju in person (since they have both had careers in Chicago) and Yvie’s character is undeniable even in the smallest of doses.
Spoilers: there isn’t much to watch for Soju. Silky and Yvie go on a ways. Flatly, whole humans who present as largely as these two deserve so much space — this is about Yvie, and Vanjie. I’ll get to Silky another time.
In her season, Yvie quickly adopts a role amongst the girls. She’s outspoken and opinionated, but the intent usually seems to be challenging the other girls’ defeatists attitudes or gossipy behaviors. We have seen other queens in this particular vein — the Vixen comes to mind, but also Bianca del Rio and Shea Coulée. The general idea is that after a panel of critiques, we get dialogue:
Queen 1: “I don’t know what to do, the judges are still don’t like what I’m giving.”
Yvie: “Well, they literally told you what to do last week and you didn’t do it.”
Queen 2: “First of all, how dare you.”
Yvie does this with Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, Silky Nutmeg Ganache, and Raja O’hara at least (though I would not be surprised if it occurred more frequently beyond what the edit gives us). Most queens in the history of the show are wildly insulted at the behavior and become inflamed rather swiftly. Later in the season, when asked the famed question “who should go home and why,” Silky Nutmeg Ganache says:
“I would choose Yvie. as America’s next drag superstar, you have to be kind to people, and she has not been the most kind or the most nice.”
We get a cut to Yvie tearing up with a quivering lip. I cried.
By this point, I already felt a strong resonance with Yvie because of her desire to push others and hold their feet to the fire. In my mind (because I can’t speak for her) she’s not crying because Silky wants her to go home — she knows Silky doesn’t like her. She’s crying because Silky has said she’s unkind. She’s taken Yvie’s fire and combative nature as a show of malice, despite how Yvie consistently aims her remarks at queens that are choosing their own suffering by not growing. In my mind, Yvie is so hurt by this because she feels this is a kindness, and perhaps even one of the most genuine forms of kindness.
Seeing the potential in people and pushing them to it as you love them. Hoping for people to be the best version of themselves beyond the baggage they’ve got. Wanting others to see themselves as more than what they are or were.
That’s the voice I see Yvie give episode after episode, and from where I sit it’s a rare form of kindness. It’s a spirit that rings true with “we rise up together; we grow together; we are incredible together.” And the fire is a frustration in watching her fellow queens frustrate themselves against their shadows.
I get it. It’s a struggle for me as well — I often find myself with friends and acquaintances pointing out the obvious lynch pins in their strife and showing them how they are refusing their own autonomy. I also think of it as kindness, though I know it to be rough.
There’s a few things about this season that highlight how this idea might be flawed, or at least a bit unreasonable. While Yvie most easily butts heads with Silky, Yvie also battles Vanjie. Yvie’s grievance with both queens is the same: the judges have told you why they’re mad, stop wondering about it and actually change. However, the judges are disappointed with Vanjie and Silky for different reasons.
Silky has obvious flaws in her execution and further is sometimes unwilling to flex her style to meet a challenge. Vanjie on the otherhand get’s reprimanded week after week for bringing the same silhouette to the runway. They’re both upset at the negative feedback — that’s human. Every time, Yvie clocks them with something like “well you know what the judges want because they told you.”
In my mind — and we’re given some evidence of this in the edit — Vanjie is a little helpless and hopeless here. She knows what the judges want, but she brought what she brought. She has a bunch of swimsuit looks, likely because she got DESTROYED in season 10 for having an awful silhouette that entirely obliviates her body. As a viewer, what is Vanjie realistically supposed to do?
A few times in the show, Vanjie and Yvie fight this fight and every time Vanjie eventually climbs down from her rage and says “I know you’re right, it just sucks.” That’s a really big statement for any human to make, let alone a character like Vanjie on a show like Drag Race. Admitting to one’s flaws and the helplessness inherent to a situation in which one feels unprepared or unable to claim further autonomy is a remarkably aware sentiment.
I can see how Yvie’s consistent persecution might feel unkind in this framing. Because Yvie knows why Vanjie is floundering AND Vanjie knows why Vanjie is floundering. Vanjie doesn’t ask for Yvie’s help or advice, and the unsolicited advice acts as salt in the wound. This didn’t get enough air time but is a huge message for healthy communication.
In a healthy, caring relationship, two individuals communicate their needs in addition to their ideas.
Vanjie and Yvie do care about each other, they talk about it a lot on the show. Drag Race is a pressure cooker; it’s incredibly stressful to manufacture breakdowns and breakthroughs. Vanjie’s failure is hard for her, and she vents her frustration. She never asks for help though, probably because she does know why she’s struggling. For Yvie to step in with “the answer” seems condescending at least, and a bit like a twist of the knife. Even if Yvie’s intent is based on wanting to see her friend elevate and stop struggling, the impact is at least somewhat out of her control.
I think Yvie is kind. Specifically, I think kindness IS in the intent. To Silky’s point, I don’t think Yvie is often nice. I think niceness falls to the impact of Yvie’s actions. Yvie says at least once that her actions are based on pushing her fellow queens passed their barriers — that sounds like kindness in intent. Vanjie is stuck in a way because she literally has limited options in what she can confidently show the judges. The impact of Yvie’s words in response to Vanjie’s frustration is then just additional stress with no payoff, which doesn’t feel particularly nice.
I think that’s a tough lesson. It was difficult for me to see it spelled out clearly on a show like Drag Race with two queens I love so much. It seems like it’s also a difficult pill to swallow for Yvie. Her tears at Silky’s remark tell me that she thinks she’s kind, but maybe there’s some doubt to her actions. That’s human, and it shows me that she knows she has room to grow, too.
I took away a lot from season 11. For this specifically:
- Kindness and niceness are not the same thing.
- Kindness is in the intent and niceness is in the impact.
- People are allowed to vent their frustrations without soliciting advice.
That’s it for this episode of “Ru Paul’s Drag Race: Afternoon Special”. Stay tuned for more unsolicited lessons in human behavior.
Sincerely Not Nice,
August
