Are you OK?

Were we to meet these days, there’s a healthy chance I’d scream one or more things during our initial conversation. Namely, I’ve found myself heavily affine toward ideas like: “kill your ego, FOR FUN”, “why aren’t you funnier,” or “hey, go to therapy.”

As much as I strongly believe you should commit ego-suicide and also practice being a lot funnier, it is the last one that I think is most pertinent. “Go to therapy,” isn’t really *my phrase*. I stole it shamelessly from somewhere off of the internet. The idea is simple and sound — as a human in the 21st century you’re undeniably and ineffably fucked and should probably find *some way* to lessen how fucked you are.

And candidly, the idea is also as close to completely generally true as any idea might be. So first, I want to talk about why it’s true and you’re undeniably and ineffably fucked up.

1. You’re a human with a language that does not coincide completely with your emotions. The languages of the world vary quite a bit, but none of them genuinely capture the vast nuances of the emotional space humans can occupy. English is notoriously bad here, and English speakers are notoriously even worse. The primary result of this disconnect between our thoughts/words and our feelings is that we create and sustain our own internal (and external) dissonance. By miscommunicating our emotional state to ourselves or others — intentionally or accidentally — we contribute to a strife that we seem necessarily burdened with at this point in history. It’s possible that we become complete empaths later on in evolution, but we certainly aren’t now. The disconnect causes strife because it lends to an idea that we’re not fully seen nor understood. There’s an inherent emphasis on loneliness therein, and with loneliness comes some level of being fucked up.
2. You’re subject to the weight of human history. There are two factors here, and both are remarkably important. You’re victim to human history at the global scale and at the local scale. Globally, this is generational ripples from traumatic events like the Crusades, Colonialism and Slavery, and the Holocaust. Despite these being moments (or at least definitive eras) in the whole of human history, the impact of these events continues to echo as the lessons learned accumulate on the shoulders of the survivors’ ancestors. On the other hand, at the closest biological vicinity you are party to the generally kind gesture of parenting. While there exists a fairly large chunk of literature on how best to rear children, there’s unmistakably no one set way that is “the right way.” Your parents may have been overly strict when it came to substance use and abuse, but maybe that’s because their parents fell prey to those issues. The child-parent cycle and dynamic is constantly teeter-tottering on a fulcrum of trauma localized in time. All the worse, the smaller scale trauma is often complicated by global scale trauma, as children fail to understand the context of their parents’ rules while parents fail to understand the context of their childrens’ ignorance. As such, regardless of the wonderful love and intent found in many homes parenting seems to have the constant side effect of “fucking up” children as they mature.
3. Humans are not great at handling the abstract. Perhaps this is a result of the first point, but it feels important and separate to note that humans have a tendency to make a mess of abstract principles. Part of the muddle is definitely a result of misrepresentation and miscommunication. If I am sad, but don’t know the appropriate words to accurately describe my woes I may find myself further in want for some salve. The unfortunate (and often more egregious) failing at play though is our denial of the unseen, even as we center ourselves on it. Love is an excellent example because there has been a lot of money poured into, and made off of the industry describing in more concrete detail romance, sex, and love. All the while, love is distinctly and abstract idea related to a few different cocktails of neurochemicals. We amplify or deny love in the abstract, despite how important we make it in our lives, as evidenced by all the dressage of romance and the heaps of apps meant to facilitate finding “the one.” This same idea goes for our other feelings and emotions too; we’re quick to dismiss our bad vibes even if only to replace them with more physical representations. Heavy metal for our anger, or comfort food for our loneliness. This happens for a few reasons, but it’s worth noting that among them are the history of mental health (in the Western World) and the growing need for instant gratification. If I’m upset now, I want to feel better now.

At this point, I have a hard time thinking anyone wouldn’t be standing, or would still have their hand down. The ideas I’ve presented as rationale for my statement are human issues that appear at a ubiquitous scale.

It’s an appropriate time to consider then that we are all fucked. Hopefully this is a relief because instantly — you are not alone and you have done nothing wrong. None of us are alone, and none of have done something wrong (at least in regard to how we got fucked up in the first place).

So go to therapy.

Admittedly that is not a fair request. As a culmination of all my reasonings above, the state of mental health in the world is currently not great and the accessibility of traditional therapy is not high, nor it is equitable nor diverse.

“Go to therapy,” cannot refer exclusively to the idea of talk therapy or psychoanalysis. If I were to choose my words more kindly, I’d scream “go indulge in something therapeutic.”

That’s a wide net, and I think it also deserves a fair amount of attention. Given how poorly Western culture treats mental health, we’ve seen a number of different forms of therapy arise. While diversity here is a good thing, we’re also seeing these genuine forms of therapy being misused or misrepresented because we’re not appreciating them as the therapeutic outlets that they are or can be.

1. Treating yourself is not therapy on its own. There’s a hit of dopamine when we make a purchase, and another when we bask in the glow of something new or tasty. Treating yourself is closer to something psychiatric but it’s definitely not regulated as such. That said, if indulging in your consumerists needs is akin to medicinal aid then there’s certainly a healthy form of it.
2. Venting your emotions is absolutely therapeutic, but requires a more specific setting than most tend to imagine. We often vent to our friends, family, and service workers. Even if they’re capable of being vented at, it’s not mindful to vent wantonly to anyone because it’s not guaranteed that they have the emotional capacity to hold the vent. When venting goes wrong, it cascades from person to person like an infection. For venting to be most therapeutic, it needs healthy communication and expectations.
3. Sharing your feelings in conversation. This is the closest to the traditional talk therapy model. There’s rapport between you and your confidant and you are comfortable being vulnerable with them. This is highly therapeutic because even amidst the limitations of human language we can feel seen and heard momentarily. There’s also a lovely dopamine hit that comes from providing the same service to your conversation partner; the reciprocity of a shared therapeutic space is great. It takes time to build these relationships, and they’re not exactly talk therapy. They’re close.
4. Meditation or catharsis. While many are familiar with an idea of meditation, the important aspect of either here is that the activity is specifically therapeutic. Most times, meditation or catharsis is just a distraction or means of procrastination and avoidance. I don’t have to deal with my demons if I’m busy at work, or have to go exercise, or simply want to play a few games of Overwatch. Both meditation and catharsis *can* be acutely therapeutic, but as we primarily utilize them they’re escapism and end up being about as useful as trying to win a flame war on Reddit.
5. Fantasizing or curating our fantasy lives is a more modern idea. With the advent and recent boom of social media, people now have access to a blank slate version of themselves upon which they can craft their dreamiest self-images. It doesn’t matter if you’re depressed, angry, or forlorn if you can find the right lighting and location. This goes beyond escapism because it’s also a self-perpetuating delusion that generally serves to harm us in the long-term by highlighting over and over just how far from our fantasy we truly are. Personally, while this exercise can be cathartic for some I think there’s little to nothing therapeutic about it.

I’m sure there are others, but these are the ones I see pop up frequently. In my mind, these are all therapeutic tools. As tools, they can be used deftly and with precision, like a surgeon hopefully would with a scalpel. They can also be used bluntly and with disregard for long-term effects and collateral damage, like a caveman “attracting” a mate with a cudgel.

What I would implore of us is that we consistently push ourselves to be better and better with using our tools adeptly, rather than like a blind newborn trying to cram a square block into whatever circle hole it might find.

How do we get better at using these tools, rather than just get better at wielding them like rocket launchers?

A therapist would help. Again, that’s not always an accessible possibility.

A friend who has been in therapy is a great midline though.

I’ve heard it enough now. It’s no longer surprising.

If you’ve never been to therapy, it can be a daunting task. Since it’s not appreciated in this country, therapists are hard to find anyway. Add to that the social stigma of admitting how fucked you feel and seeking therapy. And if that wasn’t enough, therapy is *still* a tricky process because for better or worse, your therapist is also going to be a fucked up and flawed human, just trying to do their best.

So here’s a few things from someone who’s been to his fair share of rodeos.

• Therapy does not always feel good. You will talk about pain sooner or later, and it will feel painful. Your pain might not be resolved in a single session, and you might walk away feeling worse than when you entered.
• Therapy is not just for when you’re feeling “bad”. Therapy is an exploration of yourself with a constant lifeline in the form of your therapist. As you plumb the depths of your psyche, your therapist is there to guide you and watch out for harm on your behalf. This means that even if you’re feeling great you can still continue therapy (or start therapy) just to begin to understand yourself better.
• Therapy takes time because your therapist needs to learn you and vice versa. I always recommend expecting and establishing a schedule for the first four sessions with any given therapist. Whether you have an issue in mind you want to address, this “onboarding” gives you time to properly introduce and contextualize your story while exploring how therapy can support you.
• Therapists will fail you sometimes. Not every therapist is a good match, even after the “dating” phase. In the case that the rapport isn’t developing or you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist, you should ask that they recommend someone else for you. A professional therapist should have no qualms about providing recommendations. If your therapist fights you on this, they’re probably not fit to be your (or anyone’s) therapist.
• Therapy doesn’t look like Freud and a fainting couch. Therapy takes many forms. Sometimes there’s medicine involved, and sometimes there’s role play. Sometimes there’s even sex or just an hour of shared silence. Therapy is a huge world and to deny that there’s no part of it that could improve you or help you with your goals is naive and narrow-minded.

So, even beyond the reasons we are all definitely fucked up it is understandable why we would avoid therapy. It’s complicated and not guaranteed to return us to our desired state of comfort and contentment.

The biggest lie of all is that therapy is supposed to make you feel better.

It just isn’t.

Therapy is supposed to make you feel more comfortable being yourself, however you are. Therapy is supposed to help you understand your sadness, and appreciate your anger. Therapy is like taking a wine-tasting class, but you’re the wine. You’re learning the fine nuance of yourself, and that’s going to include some painful realizations and some really exuberant relief.

It is hard. I don’t have to believe it; I know it. I’ve been in therapy for over twenty years.

My work is often remembering that most people didn’t get that type of experience.

My work is then to help those who endeavor the experience despite everything stacked against it.

Hey.

I’m here. If you’ve considered therapy or are having a hard time — I’m here.

I can be that first stepping stone. And you can pay it forward another time. It’s work that I love to do, and together it’s work we can do to unfuck ourselves slowly over time. Not to stop hurting entirely, but at least to heal and hurt less.